Yesterday, Friday, John went fishing with a friend for the weekend. So today, I did WAY too much shopping on-line, fed the dog, did laundry and watered the garden. I say garden, but so far it is just two peach trees. I'm working on growing it.
For now, there isn't much housework to do. We have piles where we tend to dump things when we come in, but I became a "Flybaby" a little over a year ago and those piles are shrinking along with the house beginning to clean itself as "Flylady" says. When a tornado hits the inside of the house, I turn on her "Crisis Cleaning 101" and an hour later it looks better than it did before the tornado :)
In a bit, I'll go meet little Jane (I'll call myself Jane and daughter little Jane) to go grocery shopping together. She is already moved into an apartment and starting college a little early. She's not quite ready to stand completely on her own two feet, but has a part time job and is a little ahead in her college career. She chose to move out a little before graduation because she does not exactly get along with her stepfather.
In our church like many others, we try to keep the 10 commandments, along with others. Having John decide to go fishing over the Sabbath is a pretty drastic change. When we married he would go to great lengths to be back in town and ready to go for church on Sunday. As a matter of fact he would get angry at me if I did laundry on Sunday. It is a day for worship, to partake of the Sacrament, quiet meditation, visiting with family or the sick.
In general, I think we just need to do our best not to make others work on Sunday, and do activities that help us feel the Spirit of God. It is not for others to decide what what those activities are. So, I didn't chastise John, I just told him that I would not go over the Sabbath.
Wednesdays, I go to group counseling. It is really a co-dependent group, but I benefit from it even though John isn't an addict in the traditional sense of the word. No drugs or anything like that. Our relationship is much like a co-dependent one, though. I've just recently begun to realize why the counselor suggested I attend this particular group.
My personal views of women's roles are similar to those of my church. I believe it is important for women to be educated, to work and contribute to society, that it is best for children if the mother (or at least one parent) can stay home with them and care for the home. Husbands and wives are equal partners, working together for the care of the family and the window of society they have the opportunity to impact.
The male role? It is primarily the husband's responsibility to support the family, but individual circumstances necessitate other arrangements sometimes. The husband and father is supposed to encourage family prayer and scripture study, lead by example and be involved with the children when outside of work. The Doctrine and Covenants (part of the LDS cannon of scripture) states, "No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned."
Well, we fall short of that perfect picture. I work and always have because I haven't felt like it would be a good idea to quit if my marriage wasn't the most stable.
The perfect picture is what I would like to strive for, though. In the past, I have placed myself in situations where I ought to stand up for myself, but haven't, playing the role of the martyr all too often. John is all too happy to play along with the opposing role.
Just yesterday as John was driving out of town, he called to have me get on his work computer and send an email out that he had forgotten. I was following his instructions when he was telling me to click on "received" in order to find something to attach to the email. When I clicked "received" it ordered the emails according to the date received, not according to subject matter.
He started yelling over the phone that I needed to click "received". I told him I did and after we went back and forth with him yelling and me saying that I did follow his directions, I mentioned that the received ordered according to date, not subject. He stopped yelling and said, "Oh, well click on subject then." I laughed at his anger and said, "Here, all this time you were yelling at me and giving me the wrong directions."
His response? "Well, you should have known what I meant." No apology, no acceptance of even a portion of responsibility for his own anger, and that was my typical response...a little chuckle and playing like I blow it off, when inside I am hurt, offended and left questioning myself.
This was a very minor example of the way our relationship has gone. He yells and gets angry, I try to accommodate him and if I can't read his mind he gets angrier. In the end, we typically go to our separate corners. If he doesn't get his way, I do my best to just stay away from him while he sulks.
Looking at this from a third party perspective, one would think it should be very easy to just tell John not to yell or the conversation would be over and hang up the phone. Old habits die hard. I get really frustrated with myself for allowing it to continue. I don't even realize I've fallen into the pattern yet again until it is over and I'm angry and don't know why.
The most disturbing thing for me is this relationship is just like my previous marriage. No big surprise to anyone else, but I thought the problem was outside myself. As the old saying goes, "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." It's like on the inside I am a scared little kid trying to understand what the adult wants and do my best, but the adult still gets angry. I am a capable adult though and it's time for the adult in me to step up and protect the little kid in me.
I need to stand up for myself, which needs to include pre-planning. I know he yells at some of the dumbest things, particularly when he expects me to read his mind. Some might say that to expect him to yell, might bring it about. The problem is that I haven't expected it and it has come my way anyway. So, I'll expect his anger every time I see him and practice in my head what I will say.
It did work a couple of weeks ago. I was in the kitchen asking him what he wanted me to make with the leftover ham and eggs. He started yelling at me because it "should be obvious" and that I shouldn't make an omelet. After attempting to read his mind for a minute and falling into that pattern I told him that if he was going to yell, he could do it himself. I fixed myself something and left the kitchen. He sulked for a week after that - not so much as a word. Then, I fell right back into the same old pattern.
At this point some readers might think, "Why do you stay married to him?" I have myself to fix first. I should have never allowed myself this treatment to begin with. If I left now, most likely the next relationship would be no different. If I learn to stand up for myself now, maybe - just maybe, he could change as well. If not, then at least I will be able to leave the relationship knowing I did what I could and that I have the strength to stand up for myself. Many would still disagree and say, "Get out first and then fix yourself. You need to." hmmmm...it is a consideration. I am mulling over that option as well.
Before anyone asks, yes it has come to blows. Usually, he pounds on furniture close by. The last time he hit me was October 2009. I told him that if he ever did anything like that again, I'd divorce him. It worked for a little while and he agreed to counseling. It was so frustrating for me to be in counseling with him because in front of the counselor, he would be contrite and admit that was inappropriate behavior. Get him home and it suddenly becomes my fault and he had to do what he did because he was "standing up for his daughter." I gave up on counseling after about six months.
Side note - a little background
I called his daughter a spoiled, selfish brat that wouldn't have anything to do with him if he didn't offer financial compensation. True, not a nice thing to say. At the time we were under severe financial strain and he was offering $5k for an 18 year old to get married to a new boyfriend when she was trying to get pregnant with another guy just a couple of months before - big drama - her mother duct taped her brought her across state lines and dumped her in my front yard.
Anyway, after that he went back to pounding on furniture and threatening but I developed my own little method of taunting him in response. One day, when he charged into the bathroom and pounded on the shower door, ripped it open and swung his hand back like he was going to hit me I said, "What are you going to do, beat me up? You're such a big man, beating up a little woman. Trying to intimidate me by pounding on things. You really need to get control of your temper. You are completely out of control."
It stopped him. It didn't jive with the way he saw himself. He doesn't think he is abusive at all and when it was pointed out in the middle of one of his tantrums, he stopped but continued to chew me out for whatever he was angry about. It took a few times of doing that and he stopped threatening physical harm and started threatening divorce. My response to that was to laugh and say, "Please, go ahead." He no longer does that either.
So if you can call that progress :s
